its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
