i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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