I think I died a long time ago.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
