he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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