he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
