atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
