She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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