Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize