I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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