a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
