you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
