I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
