How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize