you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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