Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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