Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
