Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
