I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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