woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
