I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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