Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
