We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
