i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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