Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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