if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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