Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
