You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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