I wannas sexs uuuuu
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
