SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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