I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
