8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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