don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
