Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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