Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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