My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
