You just made me feel so damn special
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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