There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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