You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
As shirtless as possible
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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