saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
