Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
