Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
