I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
