Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
