I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
