I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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