saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
