My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
