were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
