look no pants
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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