yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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