I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
