i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
