You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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