ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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