Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
