there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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