At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I want to be your penis for a week.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
